If I Were Here
by Parachutingkitten
Summary: A bittersweet Pixane fic about Zane coming to terms with Pixal being gone.
1. Chapter 1

She stood in front of me, her pale skin shimmering in the moonlight, her hair gently blowing in the breeze. She stood like an angel at the edge of the water, her back to me, looking up at the stars. I walked towards her slowly, trying my best for my footsteps to fade into the silence of the night. She wore a long flowing lavender nightgown, its sleeves sitting just below her shoulders, and its hem sitting just above her toes. Her hair was held in a neat ponytail sitting high on her head. The moonlight reflecting off of the lake made her look like a goddess.

I was right behind her now. My hand slowly traced from the base of her neck, across her skin, down to her hand, which I gripped tightly. Her weight leaned back on me as we looked out at the sky together.

"Why don't we do this more often?" her voice spoke softly.

"I'm not sure. We could change that though."

Her head found it's way into the crook of my neck. "I would like that."

We stood for a moment in each others company, enjoying what it felt like to be together.

"Pixal?"

"Yes, Zane?" she spun around in my arms to face me. I looked into her beautiful green eyes, the brilliance of them capturing me.

"I would never let anything happen to you. Not again."

She thought for a moment before responding. "I know, but… I'm scared."

"Whatever you're scared of, I'll protect you."

Her eyes sunk lower. "What if… you're not strong enough?"

As her eyes climbed back up to look at me, mine clouded over.

"That's what I'm most afraid of."

Her right hand gently cupped my cheek, her thumb wiping away the tears that had fallen from my eyes.

"Then, I guess I'll have to protect you from it."

We stared at each other, lost for what seemed to be an eternity in each other's eyes, my heart softening, my pain melting as she looked at me. Her hand now on my neck, she slowly pulled me forward as I quickly complied, our lips slowly moving closer together.

And then she stopped.

She backed away from me, her face squinting in pain.

"Pixal, are you alright?"

She let go of me, her body suddenly exploding into a fit of coughs.

"Pixal?"

The coughs continued for a few moments before suddenly ceasing, her eyes looked up at me in terror before she grabbed her throat, her body falling backwards, hitting the ground. I ran towards her, my heart pounding, my blood racing as I reached her side.

"Pixal! Stay with me!"

I felt for a pulse, only to find nothing. Life began to leave her body as I froze. I didn't know what to do. My eyes returned to her face, blood now dripping out of her mouth onto the ground.

"No. No, no, Pixal, PIXAL!" I grabbed her shoulders, shaking her. "COME BACK TO ME, PLEASE!" More blood poured from her mouth, soaking the ground, the lake becoming a deep red, the sky shifting to match it as I screamed on the top of my lungs. I couldn't lose her, not like this. My body shook violently. The world around me blurred beyond recognition as a voice repeated in my head.

 _You're not strong enough_

 _You're Not Strong Enough_

 _YOU'RE NOT STRONG ENOUGH_

"Zane, breakfast is ready!"

My eyes opened. My heart still beat as fast, and panic still ran through me, but I was in bed. My eyes looked up at the ceiling, and the voice I heard belonged to Cole.

I had been dreaming.

Again.

"Where is Pixal?" I turned to look at him. I needed to know she was alright. His face grew concerned, as he fully entered the room, closing the door behind him.

"Zane, Pixal's been gone for nearly two months now."

I looked down at my hands. It was all so real. I could still feel her body in my hands, her weight, her skin, her real physical self.

"And she hasn't been a physical person in years."

I sighed. "Right."

Cole took a few more steps into the room. "Are you okay?"

I thought for a moment. "I… I don't know."

Cole came and sat on the opposite end of my bed. "You having nightmares again?"

I thought back to the dream.

"I could have sworn… She was here. We were down by the lake, and… and she couldn't breathe, but I didn't help her… I couldn't help her… and there was blood everywhere. There was nothing I could do."

"None of it is real. Everything your saying could never happen to begin with. Pixal doesn't have blood. Pixal doesn't even breathe. Wherever she is, I'm sure she's fine."

"That does make logical sense," I sighed.

The room was silent for a long moment.

"Do you want to talk about it? I mean, I'm probably not the best person to talk to, I know nothing about girls," He chuckled a bit. "But if you have stuff you need to get out…"

"It's like I've lost my entire connection to reality. Fake situations feel real, and cause real pain, and real situations lose their purpose. It's like, without her, I'm not real anymore."

Cole leaned forward and grabbed my hands.

"Hey. Even if you feel like you're not real, you're real to me, and you're real to the rest of the guys. I know that, okay?"

I nodded slowly. "Thanks."

He smiled gently and let go of me, standing back up. "I'll give you some space. You want me to bring you in some breakfast?"

"I would appreciate that."

"No problem." He approached the door. "We're all here for you, okay?"

I nodded again as he left.

No matter how much he or anyone else told me, I still felt like I was in a dream world, like nothing I did had real meaning, because I swear I could feel her presence still inside me, around me.

Why does this keep on happening to me?

Why can't I move on from this?

 _Why am I not strong enough?_


	2. Chapter 2

"Zane?" The voice startled me. It belonged to Nya. I turned around to see her standing at the entrance to the kitchen. It was fairly late, and I had wandered out of my room to distract myself from my failed attempts to sleep with a snack, or maybe just a glass of water.

"Yes?" I closed the fridge doors behind me.

She didn't respond immediately. She looked at me as if I should know what she wanted to say. Quite confusing at most and unproductive at least. "It's pretty late, what are you doing up?" She asked leaning over the counter.

"Can't sleep," I shrugged.

Again, she hesitated a moment before speaking. "Is this… about Pixal again? Cole said-"

"Cole caught me in the middle of a bad dream. I was… confused." I insisted.

"It's okay if you miss her, you know? You don't have to act like it doesn't bother you." Her eyes were sincere.

I bit my tongue, trying not to tear up. "It's silly."

"It's not silly."

"I know it doesn't matter to you." But the tears fell anyway.

Nya stood, walking towards me. "Yes, it does matter. She mattered to everyone."

I could feel anger rising in my chest. "No. No, she didn't. You never cared about her like I did. She wasn't real to you the way she was real to me! You can't pretend like she was!"

Nya took my hand and grasped it between both of hers. "You're right," She nodded. "I think it's fair to say that she mattered to you the most. I don't know what you're going through." The stream of tears on my cheeks slowed as she spoke. "But you know what? I care a whole heck of a lot about you, and if you're hurting," tears peaked into the corner of her eyes as well. "I hurt too. I can't just stand here and watch you swallow your feelings. Talk to us, what do we need to do to make things okay?"

I could feel my body shake. There was no way to make this okay. Things weren't okay.

"Or at least less bad. Help me understand what's going on with you."

I took a deep breath, trying to find the power to speak again.

"Girls are kinda complicated. I get it," Nya smiled.

I smiled back, breaking her grip, and leaning on the counter behind me. I cleared the tears from my eyes as my lips began moving. "I've been having… dreams. Nightmares. Visions maybe."

"You think they might be real?"

I shook my head. "No. But I think…"

"What?"

"…I think that Pixal is trying to tell me something."

I looked up at Nya to see her considering my words. "What are the… visions about?"

"Well," I started. "She… dies. In every dream, she dies. And I don't do anything to stop it."

"Why would Pixal want you to see that?" she questioned.

"I think…. That maybe she's trapped in my systems somewhere. She's trapped and she hurts. She's dying inside me, but because I can't see her, I'm not doing anything to stop it!" I stood and began pacing the floor. "And I would save her if I knew how, but I don't know what she needs! I don't know where she is or how to get to her or-"

"Zane," Nya's voice stopped me again. "I see… where you're coming from." I turned to look at her, her body again leaning on the counter. "And I know this might be hard for you to hear, but if I'm being… honest with you, I feel like maybe instead of these dreams being secret messages encoded by Pixal for you to find her, maybe… they're just dreams."

I took in her words shaking my head. "No. She's there. I know she's inside me somewhere trying to tell me-"

"Zane." Her voice beckoned me to her eyes where she stared at me with intensity. "If Pixal wanted to talk to you do you think she would scare you? Do you think she would put all this twisted imagery in your mind?"

I stopped moving, submitting to her words.

"No. I knew Pixal. She would never want to hurt you, she loved you way too much for that. And maybe it's hard for you to let go of this because this is a way for her to still be a part of you and give you a chance to save her, but maybe it's time for you to consider that she isn't a part of some complicated scheme,"

Tears returned to my eyes.

"Maybe it's your guilt giving these nightmares, and maybe… Pixal is just… gone."

—

I stood in an infinite darkness. I was alone. But I knew she was there. She was always there when I closed my eyes. I had to change that. I had to make things different. Nya was right. It was all in my head. None of it was real. None of it was going to bother me. Not this time. I knew what had to be done. If I ignored it, it would go away, right? I shouldn't want to save her, because she wasn't there. This whole process was about acceptance. This time, when I did nothing, it was going to be my choice. I had to accept it. There's nothing I could do. She's gone.

"Zane?" The voice startled me… It was Pixal's. She sounded sad and hopeful, and… hurt. As if she had been crying. I turned around to see her not a hundred feet away from me. Dressed in a red gown, flowing around her, consisting of several translucent layers. Her eyes were dim, and her cheeks were wet. "Zane?!" One of her hands reached towards me, shaking.

I bit my lip and shook my head. "You're not real. I can't save you."

"Don't you want to be with me?" Her voice turned much more monotone, and clean, her body straightening itself, and her eyes brightening.

"Of course I do."

"Then just stay here," she whispered. "With me. Stay here in the digiverse, and we can be together."

I hadn't prepared myself for this offer. "That… that's not possible. You're not real. None of it would be real!"

"It can be if you just… believe it is."

Tears cluttered my eyes again as my soul ached. Her figure was so perfect, her voice so promising, her presence so inviting.

"Take my hand."

I looked at it for a long moment. My fingers twitched, but I had to stop myself.

"No."

As soon as I spoke, her attention turned away from me, towards the darkness around us. Her knees began shaking, struggling to hold her body as if gravity had become stronger. Thick black bands of darkness slowly curled around her body, taking hold of her feet and dragging down her fingertips, her hand, and then her arm. Her eyes then looked back to me in desperation.

"Am I not real to you, Zane?"

I simply couldn't look into her eyes and tell her no. Not that face, not that voice. Not Pixal. I slowly began to back away, my feet stumbling backward to avoid the temptation to run towards her.

Her dress slowly began melting around her, sinking into the inky black below, her body slowly being consumed. One large ribbon curled around her body, quickening her breath as it traveled upwards.

"Zane, please-" Her voice was cut off as it enters her mouth, my stomach turning as her eyes close in pain, the sound of her choking coming back again to haunt me.

And then I broke.

Her head fell lifeless to the side, as her eyes reopened now glowing red. My body couldn't stand to see her dead. Not again. Not like that. My arm reached forward for her, but the bands of darkness curled around me, restraining me as tears poured from my eyes.

The darkness pulled down on her body, her jaw unhinging, her body left mangled and distorted as the darkness absorbed her.

My body tensed, fighting the restraint beginning to consume me as I realized, I failed.

I'm not strong enough to save her.

I'm not strong enough to abandon her.

I'm not strong enough to forget her.

I'm not strong enough to remember her.

I'm just not strong enough for her.


	3. Chapter 3

My heart thumps in my chest, consuming my ears as I wake, my frame sitting up, grasping to the sheets, my pillow, anything around me. Anything real.

Pixal.

Where was she?

I needed her.

Now.

My hands ached to hold her's. My eyes longed to see her. My ears yearned to hear her. My body drowned in the endless void of life without her there.

And yet I was the one who had lost her. It was my own fault I was miserable. My own fault she was… gone.

As my body continued to tremble, I tried to get my bearings. I was in my room. I could see that I was, and I could feel my bed, so I must have been. It had all been a dream. None of it was real. It was all made up. All stuck in my own mind. None of it mattered.

I hadn't been strong enough to accept that though. I couldn't resist the temptation my nightmares presented me. Why? It wasn't real. I had to get over this. I couldn't live with this heavy a weight on my shoulders.

I stood from my bed, pacing the floor to weigh my options. I could try and live with it. Wait until the nightmares end, but who knows how long that could take. I could try and get help from my friends, but I didn't want to weigh them down as well. I could try… forgetting it.

Forgetting her.

Was that even possible?

My head felt clouded. My systems were nearly overheating, and the walls around me seemed to close in indefinitely as I paced.

I needed fresh air.

Without really thinking, I left. I started walking into the woods. Where? I didn't know. My feet moved, and my eyes saw, but my mind was elsewhere.

I had functioned just fine before I knew her. There had been nothing missing from my life. No sense of incompletion looming over me. And… I had a memory mechanism. I had a way to forget. It would be hard, and it would be painful, but it would work. I mean, if none of it is real, what's the harm in forgetting her?

I sat down on a fallen tree, my eyes now informing me of my surroundings. I sat in front of a lake. It was familiar to me. In fact, I had dreamt of it only the night before. I had stood here, and in front of me, looking over the lake, stood Pixal.

But now I was alone.

Pixal was gone.

Lost. Vanished… Dead. There was nothing left of her. Nothing except my nightmares, and they certainly weren't of any use to me.

My eyes wandered across the lake to the left as I stared into the trees. I didn't really know why. There was a bit of movement in them. Most likely just the wind. Maybe even some small animals.

But then I saw her.

She was there. There standing at the edge of the trees, moving towards me. Her skin shimmering white, her appearance exactly how I remember first seeing her; almost as if we met for the first time again. My heart fluttered and my legs stood.

It couldn't be…? Could it?

Her figure grew closer and closer to me, her lips smiling brightly, her eyes glowing softly. And then she stopped. Just a few feet from me she stopped. She looked hesitant to come any closer.

"How… are you here?" My voice was quiet.

"I wanted to see you again," She shrugged.

I looked at her a moment more. "Are you a ghost?"

"Well," she hesitated again. "I could be. If you want me to be."

"What should I do?"

"What do you mean?" She seemed confused.

My eyes drifted from her figure, and looked across the lake, taking a few steps towards it. "Should I forget you?"

I heard her footsteps behind me as she moved closer. "Why would I ever want you to forget me?"

Pressure grew in my chest again as I thought of my dreams. "It would make everything so much easier."

"Why?" She asked, concerned.

"Because you're gone. There's nothing left of you except what's clinging to my memory. And I feel like I just… need to let it die."

"I'm dead." She repeated to herself. "That's right. I'm nothing more than a ghost here. And you think that's reason enough to erase your memory? I thought you hated even the idea of erasing your memory. Why would you let yourself fall into that? You wanted to _remove_ your memory switch, remember?"

"But that was back when I had my family," I sighed. "They've all left me now. All I'm left with are these awful nightmares!" I turned to face her again. "I just see you die! Every night! I can't take it anymore! I'm not strong enough for it! I'm not strong enough to keep you alive within the dream! I'm not strong enough handle your loss outside the dream! I'm not strong enough to go to sleep every night and see your face, knowing that you're not really-!" I stopped and stared at her for a moment, tears forming in my eyes as I looked.

I hung my head, walking back to the log, sitting down. She tentatively walked closer, shortly joining me. "What is it?" She whispered.

I brought my eyes up to meet her. "I'm imagining this. I'm hallucinating everything. You're not really here, are you?"

It took a moment for her to accept it. As if visualizing my own thought process. My own mind coming to terms with the fact that I had gotten worse.

"No," She began. "I'm not here." My eyes shifted back towards the lake, trying to keep the tears from falling. "But," she continued. "If I _were_ here… what would you say to me?"

My lips parted as my mind thought. There was no pretending anymore. No pretending she was still alive. No pretending I didn't need her. No pretending it didn't bother me, no pretending that I could fix it.

And maybe that was… okay.

Maybe I didn't need to be strong right now.

Maybe I just needed to open my mouth, and tell her…

"…I miss you."


End file.
